Rita Black: The more we understand about the mind-body connection. The more we see that our emotions have power beyond what they seem on the surface. Could it be that they can either create or cure disease? Join me with my guest empowerment strategist, JJ Flizanes, as we dive into this topic and start some powerful, but simple steps towards emotional healing.

Rita Black: Did you know that our struggle with weight doesn’t start with the food on your plate or get fixed in the gym? 80% of our weight struggle is mental. That’s right, the key to unlocking long-term weight release and management begins in your mind. Hi there, I’m Rita Black. I’m a clinical hypnotherapist, weight loss expert, best-selling author, and the creator of the Shift Weight Mastery Process. And not only have I helped thousands of people over the past 20 years achieve long-term weight mastery, I am also a former weight struggler, carb addict, and binge eater. And after two decades of failed diets and fad weight loss programs, I lost 40 pounds with the help of hypnosis. Not only did I release all that weight, I have kept it off for 25 years. Enter the Thin Thinking Podcast where you too will learn how to remove the mental roadblocks that keep you struggling. I’ll give you the thin thinking tools, skills, and insights to help you develop the mindset you need. Not only to achieve your ideal weight, but to stay there long-term and live your best life. Sound good. Let’s get started.

Rita Black: Welcome. I am so excited just to hop into my conversation with my guests, JJ Flizanes. For those of you in Southern California, JJ and I met many years. We met, but we’ve known each other for years, but we met many years in the South Bay. And for those of you who aren’t in the know about Southern California culture and geography, the South Bay is just south of Los Angeles and it’s these beach communities, El Segundo, the Hermosa beach, Manhattan beach and Redondo beach. And it’s a beautiful place, a beautiful community. So JJ and I met down there many years ago. She has a lot of fascinating information to offer today. As you will see, she loves what she does and she loves making a difference. So JJ Flizanes is an empower strategist and the host of several podcasts, including People’s Choice Awards nominee Spirit, Purpose, and Energy. She is the Director of Invisible Fitness, a best selling author of Fit 2 Love: How to Get Physically, Emotionally, and Spiritually Fit to Attract the Love of Your Life and The Invisible Fitness Formula: 5 Secrets to Release Weight and End Body Shame. Named Best Personal Trainer in Los Angeles for 2007 by Elite Traveler Magazine. JJ has been featured in many national magazines, including Shape, Fitness and Women’s Health, as well as appeared on NBC, CBS, Fox, the CW and KTLA.

Rita Black: Well welcome JJ. It’s so nice to have you here. I really appreciate your coming on today.

JJ Flizanes: Thank you Rita for having me

Rita Black: It’s been, I, I, it’s been probably a couple of years since you and I connected, but you have an expertise in so many things, but one of them is definitely emotions and emotional healing. And I wanted to really dive into emotions and how they affect healing and disease with our audience today. Because, you know, we are interested not only in just the subconscious mind, how we take care, better care of our health. But I think our listeners would be really just fascinated by all the different aspects of how our body works with us and it can, and our emotions can impact our body and can work against us. So, there was something that I heard you talk about, and I would love for you to touch upon, which is the Chinese medicine in the five elements of what was it. You help me out here cause I never get this right.

JJ Flizanes: So, so to set the stage, I did a webinar for a group of cancer-focused patients and coaches and teachers who are under the direction of Dr. Nasha Winters, who wrote the Metabolic Approach to Cancer as well as Mistletoe and the Emerging Future of Integrative Oncology. So those are her two books. And within her practice, if you will, she’s not, doesn’t work with individuals anymore, but she trains doctors and she also trains now advocates to help the doctors with the patients. And so the people who are in that program, it’s called the tap program and the people that are in that program, a lot of them are cancer patients who’ve gone through this program and wanna be able to give back and help others navigate this and then help the doctors. So I was asked to come into that group because this whole really wing leg focus in my business, came out of a conversation with her on my show. And as a physician who deals with cancer and someone who is 30 years from a terminal diagnosis, her book, Metabolic Approach to Cancer, she lays out what she calls a terrain. It’s the terrain-based program and we’re looking at the soil. So basically as I’m sure most of you understand soil, right? You can deplete your soil. So when you deplete your soil and there’s not the right nutrients in the soil, you don’t get good fruit or vegetables or plants that come out of that soil. And so cancer, like most disease doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a long process of many factors. And the 10th factor in her terrain-based program is the mental, emotional peace.

JJ Flizanes: And along with that, Dr. Kelly Turner wrote a book called Radical Remission and in the first book, cause there’s also the second book she did also, I forget Radical Hope, I think is the name of that. But in radical remission, she profiles 1500 radical remission cancer patients and looked at all the different things that they did. And she put it in. She picked out the nine common things that they all did and of the nine things that they all did for radical remission and curing their cancers against all odds, six of them were spiritual, mental and emotional.

Rita Black: I believe that. Absolutely. That’s amazing though. That’s cool.

JJ Flizanes: So, you know, I’ve been harping even as a trainer. I mean, you mean in the past life as a personal trainer. I’ve never not included the emotional component. Problem is that when you’re a trainer talking to people about weight loss and diet and exercise, they don’t wanna hear emotions. And quite honestly, nobody really wants to hear about emotions until you’re in trouble, until you have an issue, until you have a problem and you’re literally forced up against the wall. Even cancer patients don’t wanna hear about emotions until they have three recurrences. And they’ve literally tried everything else because they, because people are so afraid of feeling.

Rita Black: Yeah.

JJ Flizanes: And they’re afraid of feeling bad. They’re afraid of getting stuck in said feelings. And even though if you think about it, every single thing we do is about how we feel.

Rita Black: Absolutely.

JJ Flizanes: Everything.

Rita Black: Absolutely.

JJ Flizanes: Yet we have no language for this. So I created this webinar for the tap program, the terrain advocacy program, and wanted to show them a more medical, if you will, way of looking at emotions. And in Chinese medicine, which I’ve been doing for 22 years at this point in terms of being a patient, but I’m also a student. And as you can imagine, ask a lot of questions. I’ve also done. I’ve all, I’ve also done probably six shows on Chinese medicine in some form on my podcast.

Rita Black: Oh, you have? I have to check that out. Okay

JJ Flizanes: Absolutely. But I wanted to show people in Chinese medicine, when we look at chi, chi is life force. Chi is energy. And in the body, like even with cancer, Chinese medicine, they don’t see tumors. They don’t even have a word for tumors. What they see is stag, no it’s stagnation. This is not something outside of you. This is something inside of you

Rita Black: Okay. So, so a tumor to them is a stagnation point. Is that what is it?

JJ Flizanes: Yep. Stagnant energy, stagnant energy.

Rita Black: Wow. That is so fascinating.

JJ Flizanes: Well, because they look at the whole body in the whole system, they don’t treat like we do in Western alopathic medicine. They don’t treat symptoms. They treat the root cause they treat what is, because if the body is in its optimal place of Chi, for them, everything is flowing. Energy is flowing all over. Then your body heals itself. It does what it needs to do. But when we have stagnation, so a blockage somewhere where energy is pulling and not moving, that’s gonna cause disruption in, in the system. And that’s where disease will happen cause now the body can’t get into what it needs to do because it’s not flowing anymore. It’s stopped. So when we look at the Chinese medicine model of how it’s connected, it’s like a, it’s like a cycle of the body because basically in Chinese medicine you are supposed to have these feelings all day every day. They come in, they come out like air. They come in, they come out, they come in, they come out. When they get stuck and you stop exhaling is when there’s a problem So each organ represents a different element and a different emotion. So the lungs are where you hold grief. And I have seen over the years, clients that I’ve had, who’ve had a parent die. Yeah. And then, you know, a month later or less, they get bronchitis.

Rita Black: Wow.

JJ Flizanes: So people that are mourning things and, and aren’t expressing them, that emotion gets stuck in said field of energy, which for this, you know, is grief in the lungs. So lungs are grief. The liver is anger. So a lot of times when we look at back pain, back pain is literally most of the time repressed rage. And that’s why the chiropractic three times a week for three months and then six months, and then two years plus a change of your bed plus acupuncture plus massages and Pilates and physical therapy don’t ever really get rid of it. It moves it around. But it is for most people, unless you’ve fallen out of a car or out of a plane and literally had some kind of impact outside of your body, chronic back pain is repressed rage. So the liver is where we hold anger.

Rita Black: Okay.

JJ Flizanes: Wow. The kidneys are where we hold fear. The stomach is, well, the spleen and stomach are kind of worry.

Rita Black: So fear is different than worry. So like kidneys would be more fear, fear of something like fear of moving forward in your life. Fear of

JJ Flizanes: Worry is ruminating and. Right. So it’s that constant swirling, which is why the spleen gets tired, which is why people, I mean, that’s actually why I went to acupuncture in the first place is cause I had hemorrhoids.

Rita Black: Oh, okay.

JJ Flizanes: And it was, and it was at the time where I was just starting my business and I was living in a constant survival state.

Rita Black: Right. Yeah. I can relate.

JJ Flizanes: Yeah. Right. And so, you know, you have hemorrhoids and you think there’s a, like you go, there’s a problem. I got hemorrhoids okay. What? Right. Because you’re, you’re living in a, in a state of constant anxiety and worry, which is where the spleen then stops doing its job cause it’s taxed. It is tired. You have overused it. It has not had time to regenerate or replenish and, and that’s all these different organs and systems in the body. So I showed that in this webinar to show them another perspective of how even in what, in Chinese medicine, which has been around way longer than alopathic medicine. I mean we’re talking 2000 years plus versus 200 years. You know, they look at emotion, you could go and have acupuncture for emotions. And I did that for a long time when I acupuncture was part of my medical. Yeah. When I, when I had, when it was covered and I had the choice and I didn’t have any money, I was like between coaching and acupuncture, I went for acupuncture because it was covered by my insurance. And I knew that even though it might not be a long lasting fix, because it didn’t deal with my stuff, but it did move the energy. So I was, and I’d get a bit of relief.

Rita Black: Right, right. Yeah. I love it. That’s yeah. The, the poor man’s therapy, but it sounds like it’s very effective. So, so tell us then, given, given that, how, how, when you work with people or, or how you would like start to, like, let’s say if I was in a state of fear or a state of worry, like how I would start to someone working with me would start to look at that emotion and, and, and start to pull it apart to help, to help heal or to help move that energy through other than acupuncture. Like, so in Chinese medicine or, or in the modalities you’re talking about,

JJ Flizanes: So how would I coach somebody through sort of unpacking that?

Rita Black: Yeah.

JJ Flizanes: Well, I’m about to start, and by the time this airs, it will be probably already halfway through, a course called The Roadmap to Emotional Healing. What I have been doing in the last well forever, but like definitely the last five years is taking people through certain exercises that I have used on myself that have been very transformative, very eye-opening, very clarifying and, and very healing. And one of the things that I think is really wrong with the traditional therapy system is it doesn’t give you any structure and you stay stuck in the victim story. And, and because I have people come to me all the time, six months to six years in therapy didn’t feel like they really got anywhere one to two sessions. Oh my God. My life has changed because we don’t, we don’t foot around, you know, the story of whatever their victim mentality is about what happened to them from the place of what happened to me we have no power.

Rita Black: Exactly. Yeah. I hear you a hundred percent and I do agree with you with therapy. Sometimes it can get people stuck in a story in the past that they can’t move forward. And, and even with weight management, I am a big advocate of taking a hundred percent responsibility. We aren’t a victim of anyone or anything. Cause that gives us our power. Right?

JJ Flizanes: Yep. Yeah, absolutely. So, so first in this whole course is about, is about uncovering a core wound because the core wounds are really what drive the entire life. They’re why you work in the area that you work. It’s the reason why you’re with the partner that you’re with. It’s the reason why you’re friends with who you’re friends with and it didn’t work out or you had a problem. It’s the reason why you repeat your patterns. So rather than spend again, months to years in a therapeutic situation where that’s not really clearly defined, but you may get there one day from telling the stories and continue to tell the stories. There’s a very short exercise that can be done within an hour to uncover literally your core wound and all of your habits and patterns of how you react to something. And when you see that pattern, when you really get, oh my God, and you can see it throughout. It’s like having a life review without having to die. You have a life review and you go, oh my God. Yes. In every situation where I didn’t feel like I was valuable, this is how I acted. This is how I reacted. And when you start to see those patterns, now we’re coming from a place of all right. Now, how do I heal it? Versus just having a feeling of something’s wrong with me, or I can’t get this guy to love me, or why am I getting a divorce or why can’t I lose the weight? Or why do I have cancer? Okay. We need to pull back because that story started way long ago. And even, and we’re not gonna spend a lot of time back there, unlike traditional talk therapy, which may spend a lot of time back there. And again, who wants to like talk about that all the time and then feel bad about it when you leave, cuz you got to the good stuff about 50 minutes in and then the therapist says, okay, your time is up and you leave and you feel like shit.

JJ Flizanes: Like that’s not fun. And with coaching we go into what’s the problem and how do I help you solve it? How do we empower you? What are the strategies? Because it all can be boiled down into. If you are having a negative emotion, if you’re feeling a negative emotion, it’s literally because either a need is not being met or the perception of a need not being met. And when you start to change how you look at that kind of stuff and you take control and power over that, and you say, well, how can I get that need met? What are the three or four ways once I address what it really is. Cause most people think it’s about that person needs to change or my coworkers need to change. My boss needs to change. My spouse needs to change. My kids need to change. You can’t control any of that.

Rita Black: Right.

JJ Flizanes: Not a lick of it. So give up, surrender to that. Do the only thing you can and take responsibility for everything you think, feel, act and interpret, right? So that’s, that’s another tool that gets you. So we use the core wounds. We, we look at what I’m gonna call your feelings and needs chart of got a process that you would go through. That would be where we would start. Past the past that point, there are a lot of different modalities of healing and it really becomes about balancing someone’s brain. Realizing the four parts of someone’s brain. And where do they spend the most amount of time? In the left brain? Most likely, yes. Okay. So we get to look at those different characters and define them and, and rebalance and create new neural pathways, reroute that circuitry so that it doesn’t have power over you anymore. And then whatever it is that you’re looking for, it’s about how do I give that to myself? If you didn’t feel like your parents valued you, you felt unworthy. It’s not about trying to convince them to do something different. It’s about how do I create self worth within myself. And so that path is gonna be different for each individual person. But I, I like to come to the table with the tools. And then sort of figure out what the person what’s your map look like. Cause it’s gonna be different than mine. And I even use astrology. Okay. Because my moon signs and sadge and sadges are true seekers. So for me, when I see something, a truth about something that sometimes is all, I need to make a huge shift. And for some people, if they need to emote. They need to, and that’s good too. I definitely am all about, we have to allow the energy out. You have to, I say to people you’re emotionally constipated. If you’re not crying or screaming at least a couple times a year.

Rita Black: I think I’m not, I’m not emotionally constipated. I’m really happy to say that, JJ.

JJ Flizanes: That’s good.

Rita Black: But, but I am a Virgo. So I wonder if my map out is making a list.

JJ Flizanes: Well, that’s your Virgo, but you dunno what your moon is and your moon’s how you deal with emotions. So we’d

Rita Black: Have I have moon in okay. Okay. What is, okay. Virgo sign, Gemini rising, scorpion moon.

JJ Flizanes: Okay. All right. So Scorpio, sometimes you might wanna defend yourself first and you’re gonna be secretive about it. You’re not gonna let people know about it. You’re gonna be a little, little secretive, maybe a little sneaky. Like you don’t want people to know because your Virgo, perfectionism doesn’t want people to know that you’re human, and that you had a negative emotion or that you have bad thoughts sometimes because you wanna, you wanna do the right thing. Right. And then the Gemini part of you is gonna be very playful in, in the midst of all of that and try to have a good time in the process. So yeah, I use astrology because again, it not everyone reacts or interprets the same and, and that’s a huge piece that people think they go under this assumption that if I felt this way about said incident, then why doesn’t everybody else feel the same way? And it it’s literally why I started studying astrology because it gave me a reason, oh, not everybody thinks the same. Not everybody sees it or interprets it the same.

Rita Black: So do you find that’s true then in working with all these people and their emotions and using this tool of astrology for you as somebody who’s a coach and being able to sort of get in deeper that that tool of astrology is helpful like that the filter through which people see or the lens through which they see their lives and interpret things or interpret their healing, even astrology can give you as a coach insights into that. It’s, it’s fascinating. I mean, like I had never heard of this or thought about it in that way, but that’s very interesting.

JJ Flizanes: I have two astrology courses. I have astrology course, that’s like a beginner, one that I taught my community. And then I just did a next level with an, with an astrologer, like a professional astrologer. And we did sort of that next level with the outer planets and looking at your true node anyway. So I absolutely, I mean, I was doing it with my personal training clients. I would know their whole entire chart just for me. So I knew how to talk to them.

Rita Black: Right. That’s what I mean.

JJ Flizanes: Absolutely.

Rita Black: And you found that that was their, whatever that, well, obviously you believe in it, so it is, it, it helps you as a coach or somebody who’s working with somebody be in their inner world without having to get a ton of information. Cause it just gives you that insight almost instantly like, oh, okay. I, I, I can dig that. That’s cool. I, I, I get that. That’s very interesting. Never thought about it before to be honest with you, but now I’m thinking about it. That’s

JJ Flizanes: Well, I, I think that every, if, if you are in therapy with someone who doesn’t use astrology, then they don’t really understand you, unless they’ve had the same exact experiences as you, because if you’re not using astrology to set people like to see how people process information differently and what’s important to them. I had a friend and he was dating, he, when he first started dating this one girl, this was a while ago they broke up. But anyway, when they first got together, he was a, he’s a Scorpio with a cancer moon and a Gemini rising.

Rita Black: Okay.

JJ Flizanes: She was a Pisces with a Scorpio moon and a Capricorn rising. And I said, and I basically read just that. And I told him, okay, there’s a, there there’s a possibility for deep connection. You’re going to understand each other very well. What’s gonna happen. The problem is gonna be that you, as a Gemini rising are gonna wanna have a good time. You’re gonna crack jokes. You take life kind of lightly. And she is a Capricorn rising care about what other people think of her more than you are going to like.

Rita Black: Interesting.

JJ Flizanes: And it stays true to today. As I said, person and really like builds her whole business around what other people think of her. So, it just kind of got in her way. She’s also an achiever and she’s very successful and she has her eye on the prize and she works really hard, but that is outta balance with his goals, which are to have a good time. And, and that’s when I saw that, I was like, yeah, this isn’t gonna last. But, but you know, it played out and he figured it out when he figured it out, but I that’s. So to me, this is an important tool. This is why I talk about it. I talk about it on my show. I’ve taught two classes that anybody has access to. So I really, it really separates and really fine tunes. You know? I mean you as a Scorpio moon and as a Virgo, I mean, that’s that in itself gives me understanding about how to communicate better with you and to show you either proof or like you want the step by step process lined out for you.

Rita Black: Absolutely.

JJ Flizanes: Right.

JJ Flizanes: Yep.

Rita Black: Yep. Yep. So, well this is the well, that’s very fascinating. So I know you, I took you off on a tangent about astrology because you were talking about people, how you use that as a tool when people are going through this emotional process, like kind of uncovering their emotional life and identifying. And I know you said you might have like that, like that you have a tool that you said you were identifying feelings and need like there’s a list. Tell me about that. Like what would you do by that? Because I’m a Virgo. I like lists. So obviously I wanna know.

JJ Flizanes: So it’s a three-step process and I’ll go over it quickly and then I’ll give you the link, the link to download the sheets that I’m talking about. So,

Rita Black: Okay, great.

JJ Flizanes: Yeah. So anybody can get the list and I believe it has the questions, the list, and also the emotional guidance scale, which is basically looking at the energetic intensity of different emotions. So, and when you’re sort of in a negative, in a negative momentum versus a positive momentum. And that’s important to know, because if you are sort of in a negative momentum and you’re just starting because you’re in boredom, let’s say. And I even think contentment might be not positive. I think we get positive when we start getting hopeful.

Rita Black: Can I ask you before you go on? Are you saying boredom and contentment are sort of neutral or, or non-energetic feelings or?

JJ Flizanes: No, no, no, no. I’m saying that. So rage, the difference between rage and frustration is really big.

Rita Black: Okay.

JJ Flizanes: Right. There’s, there’s there’s energy around frustration and it’s not the same energy as rage.

Rita Black: Okay. Okay.

JJ Flizanes: So vibrationally, we’re looking at the higher, the vibration in terms of, let’s say positive emotions. Like the highest vibration is love, freedom, right? Joy, that would be, those would be the highest, but then when we kind of go, we stay in the positive momentum, emotions. But down the scale, like, as we, like, it might be contentment. I don’t know that contentment is honestly, it might be on, on the positive side only cause it’s contentment, but it would be the most neutral, like it’s kind of, but hopeful is like right above it. So when you’re, when you are in a feeling of boredom, you have just stepped into the negative side.

Rita Black: Oh, okay.

JJ Flizanes: And so, so the emotional scale is to help you recognize where you are so that way you can adjust and pivot possibly because if you’re in boredom and you don’t take care of that, the momentum is now heading negative. And so boredom can turn into depression if not treated. Does that make sense?

Rita Black: Yeah.

JJ Flizanes: But not addressed. And all you need to do is just move to hopeful. If we can get you from boredom to hopeful, we’re on the right track to create positive momentum, be in alignment, manifest more and get the intuition and guidance that you need. So that’s also part of this download, which is basically http://jjflizanes.com/feelingslist. So that is where you’ll get the tools I just talked about. So lemme talk about

Rita Black: We will have that in show notes, everybody. So, so just go look there and

JJ Flizanes: Yeah. All right. So the tool is, is basically it was created from the work of Marshall, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, non-violent communication, which took me forever in a day to read, because I hated the title because who wants, who identifies themselves as a violent communicator? Nobody it’s the worst title ever. So it took me forever to read it. And then I took a bunch of classes in it and I thought about even becoming certified in it, but they did some things. They taught it in ways that I didn’t agree with. So I took the best of it and sort of reformulated it for my own purposes, because I got, again, life changing exercise out of this, which is when you can. So here’s the three step process. You start by asking yourself how you feel, how is it that I’m feeling? What do I feel? And again, you don’t do this in general, you do it about a situation.

Rita Black: Okay. So, so something happens. I’m feeling and feeling, and I’m asking, or I’m tuning in. I’m saying, how do I feel?

JJ Flizanes: Yeah. Now you’re not gonna do this process when you feel good. Just FYI. No one, no one, no, one’s no one’s gonna be doing this when you’re feeling good.

Rita Black: I will not doing this when I’m celebrating

JJ Flizanes: How do I feel? I am happy. Why am I focused on this sheet when I’m excited and happy?

Rita Black: I should just be happy.

JJ Flizanes: Right? Let’s just be in that moment. So it’s only really, when you feel something negative or off, or you don’t know what it is, but you know, it doesn’t feel good. So you’re gonna come to the sheet and you’re gonna ask, how am I feeling? And the top half of this feelings and needs list are a hundred different feeling words. Now, most of us don’t have a hundred different feeling words in our vocabulary. We have like five at any given time. I’m happy. I’m sad. I’m angry. Right? Like it’s not that we don’t get that detailed. But again, as I explained, the difference between frustrated and rage, we have to be clear about the emotion to know what to do about it later.

Rita Black: Yeah.

JJ Flizanes: So we start with the question, what am I feeling? So you’d go to the list and I definitely recommend it every time, because you will learn every time and it will help you identify and to reconnect with yourself and feel it in your body possibly about what am I feeling? So you’ll pick the feeling and let’s just go with what I said, frustrated.

Rita Black: All right. Okay.

JJ Flizanes: Someone says, I’m frustrated. Okay. Then remembering that all negative emotion is because a need is not being met or a perception of a need is not being met. So then we move to what need is not being met that’s creating this feeling. And under the needs list, there are 86 basic human needs. And again, we don’t have a vocabulary for needs, cuz people think needs equals needy, dependent, weak, not true. Under needs we have air, we all have need for air hydration, movement, rest safety, shelter, touch, play, excitement. So there’s 86 basic human needs on the list. And, and just the exercise alone really can like open your mind to like, wow. And I bet you, if someone was just to take this list and say of these needs on a regular basis, which one of these is not being met, you’d have a lot of work to do and give you a lot of, a lot of direction on what kind of work to do for yourself to get those needs met.

JJ Flizanes: So let’s say if someone’s frustrated, I, I don’t have a scenario in my head, but okay. Maybe frustrated because they have a need for connection, right? Let’s say connection. This is a very common thing happening right now in the world is that people are frustrated because they can’t connect with people.

Rita Black: Right.

JJ Flizanes: All right. So I’ve just outlined the need of the feeling. So number three, the question, third question is what strategies can I take to get the need met? But here’s the most important part of the number three, without asking anyone else to be different?

Rita Black: Ah, that’s the, that’s the tough part.

JJ Flizanes: Yep. How can I get my need met without asking anyone else to be different? And that is a very important part of this, because again, when you say, well, I need him to her too. They too. Okay. Do something to make me feel better. We are now in victim mentality, right? Because again, you can’t control anybody else. And I promise you that they are, they’re a mirror to you. Any, any need that you think someone isn’t giving you, it’s because you aren’t giving it to you. So it doesn’t matter what they’re doing. They literally are reflecting back at you, what you are not doing for you.

JJ Flizanes: So we make that list. So if it’s in the case of frustrated, because I want to connect. So I would say, and again, without any kind of background on this situation, I would say generally, well, if you wanna connect, then make a date with somebody. Oh, but what if this and that with people in the world, well, find somebody who thinks like you and either do it on zoom or do it in person, but put some stuff on the, on the calendar. What if my person I live with doesn’t wanna connect with me. Okay. So then maybe it’s time for you to connect with you. Maybe it’s time to do things that are fun for you by yourself. Maybe it’s time to meditate. Maybe it’s time to get connected to who you are. And you appreciate you. You do the things for you you’re looking for others to do. Buy yourself flowers. Give yourself compliments. Get yourself a massage. Take yourself to the movies or to dinner. So again, the strategies you need more than one, it can’t be just one. Otherwise we’re in bla, we’re in the blame game, which isn’t gonna get you anywhere. It’s gonna keep you on a cycle that you’re not getting out of. And, and that’s the basic structure.

New Speaker: Again, it’s, it sounds, it’s simple, but it isn’t easy because most people end their stories with I’m frustrated. Here I have a, a quick little example. One of the clients I used to train, he was the middle child, middle brother, and his younger brother who has since passed. And the older brother who I was training longer than him. He was a drug addict for most of his life. And the middle brother kind of took care of him. And so when we did this exercise at one point with the company, cuz I, I was training like inside their company. And he said, well, I need him to, he was tired. He was frustrated. He was angry. He was as afraid that his brother was gonna die. So what his needs, well, his need was for he’d say, well, I need him to and I was like, yeah, that’s not gonna go anywhere. So when we, when we reevaluated, what this client really needed was fun, was rest, was hope was, you know, joy and excitement, which he wasn’t gonna get from taking care of his brother. So this was how he needed to balance his caretaking with getting him with filling himself up with life because he was blaming his, his sick brother, right. Because of his choice to take care of him as saying, well, then I don’t get to do anything else, which isn’t true. Yes you can. You can say no and you can let him suffer his own consequences or ask someone else to step in and you go do the things you keep waiting for him to allow you to do.

Rita Black: Right. Do you find with this, especially part two, the, what needs aren’t being met that sometimes you’re having to manage expectations within this? You know, I find like for a lot of people below, you know, what you would call the negative feelings or below the line feelings often are from an expectation that is distorted. You know, they expect something should have gone better or I could have been better. And that then that causes the frustration or I, or I should be in a relationship right now, you know? Like they have that expectation, but they’re not. So they’re frustrated. Do you know what I mean?

JJ Flizanes: Yeah. Well, and, and to that, I’d say in terms of expectations, I would say that most of it’s a misinterpretation. Like in a situation I have a cancer client right now whose boyfriend, like she’s a words of affirmation and he’s not. And she gets upset and makes up stories about why he doesn’t compliment her or acknowledge her. And I said, do you ask him to? Well, no. Okay. How does he show you love? Well, it’s not through words. He’s not a words guy. He’s an acts of service. So first of all, this is a first you’re making up stories that aren’t true. And you, and you haven’t asked for what you needed. You could easily say, do you think I did a good job? And of course, he’d say you did a great job. He’d give you what you want, but you’re expecting him to be like, you, you have misinterpreted his lack of words as a negative opinion about you, when the way he shows you love is acts of service. And so we’re not. So I wouldn’t say it’s an expectation. It’s literally misinterpretation. It’s I mean, you can say it’s an expectation for someone to be like you, hence why, as I’ve just outlined, I use love languages as well as astrology. So these are ways when we start to have compassion and see from someone else’s point of view, we stop assuming and make up all these stories that we get so upset about. And none of them are true.

Rita Black: Right? You take back your power. Yeah. I that’s interesting. Well, I, I like that idea of misinterpretation versus I, you know, it’s because often I agree with you that we’re creating stories that are going to hurt us and, and to give our power to somebody else or another situation. And often like with weight management, as you know, JJ, you know, we get be, we become victims of other people like self, you know, we see them as maybe feeding us or, or, you know, bringing food when we don’t want the food. And so then in, we become the victim of that situation instead of, you know, sitting and thinking, you know, how can I change the situation for me?

JJ Flizanes: Right. And to your example of someone who says, well, I should be in a relationship, so Marshall Rosenberg definitely has, and I did a whole show on this that the, the most violent word we use is should because should, should indicates we have no choice. And I would invite people to take that out of your vocabulary. Number one. And in terms of, I should be in a relationship, says who? I mean, this is like, who, who said that? Who made up that rule? You know, I, I did a, a presentation with, again, a bunch of cancer foundation patients. And, and they talked about the, the cancers, the nice disease, because their people are really nice and they overgive to people and they don’t give to themselves. And I said, and I said, okay. Yeah, I can see that. I understand that. And that’s the problem is that you all think you’re really nice. And then what conversation goes on in your mind is I’m gonna do this for you so that way later when I need it, you’re gonna do this for me. But of course that’s an assumption, no one ever outlines it before they start. They don’t protect themselves with a contract that says, Hey, I’m gonna, I’m about to take care of you in all of these different ways, which is effort out of my life and my body. And, are you in agreement that you will do the same for me? If everybody stopped assuming and projecting and just asked the question outright of what you think you’re gonna get later, because then they get mad about it. Oh, that person, they don’t appreciate what I did for them. They don’t do whatever they want them to do. Right. Acknowledge them, give to them, take care of them, do the same. And then they stew on it and they create this toxic anger and frustration again, about a story that’s not true.

Rita Black: Right. Right, right. Interesting. So now, so when you’re doing your course, JJ, um, when are you, uh, offering your course again, if you’re halfway through it already, now

JJ Flizanes: So, so the course will, right now, I’m only offering it like it’s live and I’m taking people through it live, but in May of 2022, it will be available to purchase and you can do it at your own pace.

Rita Black: Oh, cool.

JJ Flizanes: So it, so it’s just that this one, as I’m recording it, I’m doing it live and I’m taking questions and, and holding people accountable, but I don’t run them like all the time. I do a course when I create a course, I do it once. And then after that, like I said, all the other course, like astrology course is available any time. Both of them, I’ve got a strengthening intuition course available at any time, but the very first time I do it, I do it live.

Rita Black: Okay. Got it. Well, that’s cool. So you, so is this your first time, the, the live version you’re doing it for the first time during the event ?

JJ Flizanes: On a business side and for connection I guess I get a lot of my, most of my referrals come from my podcast, but since Dr. Nasha and I have been together, I’ve sort of become the referral for cancer patients dealing with emotions. I mean, they have other programs and companies that work with them also, but, but I’m, I’m in there with my trainers and with my programs. And so what I realized is that, and I I’ve met a lot of the doctors and the doctors know who I am. And so I don’t want referrals from doctors of patients that don’t know what they’re about to get into. It’s a waste of time and money on everybody’s for everybody when they buy a session, they show up and then we’re not a match, right. Because they don’t, they aren’t ready to take responsibility. They aren’t ready to do deep work. They think they are, but they’re norm, they’re used to sort of the traditional therapy talk. So they think they’re just gonna come in and be a victim for an hour. Cause I don’t allow that. So, so I’ve created this course to kind of be a pre-qualification of people so that the doctors can sell it to their patients. The patient can go through it and decide if they’re a candidate for coaching on the other end of it versus paying for coaching and deciding, oh, this isn’t a match because they don’t know me. They don’t know the work. And so that’s kind of why I had to create it to make life more efficient.

Rita Black: Got it. That’s that sounds like a great plan. So somebody gets prepared to work with you in a way.

JJ Flizanes: Right. And, and there’s enough in there that again, the, between the core wounds and this exercise that we just talked about, if you can start there, I mean, things will shift dramatically ahead.

Rita Black: Oh yeah. I mean I could see how they would just, it would be night and day.

JJ Flizanes: Yeah. I, it’s so, I mean, even just for me the core wounds work when I did it for the first time I said to the therapist, cuz it was in a couple’s therapy situation and I had waited years to be in a couple’s therapy situation to do it. I had it on me the whole time and after I did it and it wasn’t even about my ex-husband. I said to her, why isn’t every single person doing this exercise? I don’t understand why anyone would ever come into a therapy situation. If you knew this exercise existed, why isn’t every person doing it because you would just, you would cut to the chase. You wouldn’t waste time and money over over sessions and sessions and sessions to, I mean, and even if you do that, you still don’t get this clarity. It’s literally you write it down, it’s in front of you on paper. You see it like a map, you see it so clearly, it’s so powerful and, and it’s life changing. So I think that, that I can’t wait to go through this class, because with these people, because they’re ready, they want it. Some of my trainers are taking it, again, even though they’ve done all this work already, but they love taking this work to their clients and, and for their clients to have these big breakthroughs of things they’ve struggled with for a long time.

Rita Black: Right. Well cool. It must, it must be awesome to have that as part of working with a trainer. That must be really great. I, I mean, I can imagine. So, and so if, if you’re a trainer out there too, so you train trainers, is that correct?

JJ Flizanes: So I created a certification. So I’m a, I coined empowerment strategist even when I was doing personal training a while ago, but, it was probably at the tail end. So I create a certification. It’s my empowerment strategist certification. Because I, again, I’m connected to a lot of doctors and I continue to get connected to doctors and there’s not anyone really specializing in this way. And a lot of the doctors that I work with and that I like, like let’s say Christian Northrop or Dr. Steven cabal or Dr. Bruce Lipton, or like when tho they, first of all, they don’t work with people, but they are all behind this kind of work because they know where the concepts come from and I’m literally taking and putting it all together in one place. So it’s not like doing 10 different programs. You get to do one where all these concepts are included and you get it.

JJ Flizanes: So the more I’m out there with people and they want this, I can’t handle all that. So I put a call out to the people in my audience last year and asked for six people to train to be trainers underneath me, coaches basically. And I had seven and then this year I’m doing it again. So it’s not something that I’ll, it’s not something that I’ll do every year. Like I’m not looking to put tens of hundreds of, of people in, in a certification program to make money because I have to know who they are in the world. I have to know how they deal with emotion themselves in order for this to be effective. In essence, I’m creating little mini me’s, which when I say that and I laugh, they’re like, no, no, no, we we’re cool with that. We’ll take that. I’m like, oh no, no, no, but you’re you. And I want you to be you, but you can, you can take your inner JJ and you can, you know, channel that into your coaching sessions. Because if they’re coming from my show or referrals from doctors, they do mostly want a part of that. But I personally can’t do that and I can’t help more people if I’m a one woman show.

Rita Black: Absolutely. You got it. Yeah. I love it. I love that. That you did that. That’s amazing. So how so I know we’re gonna, you’re gonna put this list in, we’re gonna have to list in show notes and, is that three step process in there too? Or is that just, it is yep. Okay. Oh, that’s, that’s wonderful. How fantastic. So we’ll have it all at our fingertips. How to go through this, cuz I think this is really helpful for our listeners. I mean obviously because we know we talk about food and emotions and I think at being a Virgo, having a step by step methodology to tap in and to process that JJ has given us here today is gonna be a really great, and I love the fact that you have a list of 86. Is it 86 emotion? Yep. Needs

JJ Flizanes: 86 needs a hundred feelings.

Rita Black: Okay. Okay. I love it. I can’t wait to see that. I’m gonna, I’m gonna have to put that up on my desk. So that’ll know exactly when I’m feeling a particular emotion about the day. I can, I can now qualify it and get it down to the little itty bitty gritty detail of what it is instead of well,

JJ Flizanes: And even better Rita, you can figure out how to get rid of it. Yeah. Because it’s a call it’s right. It’s not just about the identification of the feeling it’s, what’s causing it. What need or perception isn’t being met. And boy, when you take care of that, you’re like, oh, like the power someone feels about being able to do that and to transform that. I mean, cuz that’s really what it’s about. Yes. We, we feel you don’t just feelings. Aren’t like air where you catch it. It’s, it’s, it’s kind of like in your brain and in term. Right. And, and so it’s, it’s that interpretation piece and it’s a call to action. So why not figure it out and get it met that way? You don’t have to feel the same thing tomorrow or later today.

Rita Black: Absolutely. I couldn’t agree with you more. I just the Virgo and me just like the fact that there was a list of all those things.,

JJ Flizanes: I’m glad I appealed to that part of you,

Rita Black: But but yeah, no, that this is fantastic. So I can’t thank you enough for being here. Is there, if there was like something that you could say to the audience, like just the, the first step forward, I guess is downloading this thing, but like the first step for them is, you know, acknowledging that they wanna make change, acknowledging that they’re in a place where, I mean like what would be a great for this type of work? You know, I, somebody who’s in pain or would you say you don’t need to be in a painful emotional state to start working and healing your emotional life?

JJ Flizanes: Okay. I’m going to say, because I literally just came up with my next live event in October of 2022 14th to 16th. So this is the first time I’m announcing this. Even people on my podcast, haven’t heard this yet.

Rita Black: Oh my God. I’m so honored.

JJ Flizanes: And I’m announcing it because you asked me what’s like the thing, right? And the point of view. People that are in pain that wanna stay in pain, I don’t, I have no interest in. People that want the pill or the surgery or the quick route to get the thing that they’ve been struggling with, I’m not interested in that either. And, and that’s probably not your audience. But the, the event this year is called awaken your dream life.

Rita Black: Ooh.

JJ Flizanes: And I want to work with people and I will only think I’m people who would be attracted to me or people that understand that there’s more out there for them than they’re currently living in all ways, whether it be health relationship, business, money, doesn’t matter, even just how you are in the world. So awaken your dream life. If that resonates with you. And you know that there, there are things that you want that you don’t have, but you recognize that there are ways in which you can get it that require unlayering some of the habits and patterns that you’ve done to protect yourself in your life, from the wounds, the emotional setbacks, the, the lack of parenting and love and connection that you got and possibly anything else along the way, that’s really where we’re going. So I, I love to speak to them

Rita Black: Well, so everybody I’m gonna put all of JJ J’s information in show notes. So definitely get on her email list. If this sounds some like something that would be of interest to you. Definitely it’s, it’s very much of interest to me. Awaken your dream life and, and, and these other courses too, they all sound fascinating, JJ. I’m I love what you’re up to in the world. It’s so great.

JJ Flizanes: Thank you. Thank you. And I appreciate that your, what you’re focused on also is deeper than it’s deeper. You know, I, I like deep, deep things. I like looking at the brain, looking at the subconscious. I mean, those are all parts of healing that I don’t think can be ignored and you can’t really outrun it forever. Otherwise you just keep catching up the things that you don’t want. They’re unwanted. So thank you for the work that you’re doing too.

Rita Black: Oh, well, well, I love what I do and you obviously love what you do, so we’re both blessed people, aren’t we? Yes. Well, thank you so much for coming on and sharing all of this with us. And again, thank you for sharing those tools ahead of time, cuz I’m gonna definitely look forward to putting those in the show notes. So thank you so much again, JJ, for being here with us today.

JJ Flizanes: Thank you, Rita. I appreciate you asking me. It was an honor.

Rita Black: Thank you, JJ. And if any of you are interested, please check out JJ J’s information in the show notes, have an amazing week everyone. And remember that the key and probably the only key to unlocking the door, the weight struggle is inside you. So keep listening and find it.

Rita Black: Thanks for listening to the thin thinking podcast. Did that episode go by way too fast for you? If so, and do you want to dive deeper into the mindset of long-term weight release? Head on over to www.shiftweightmastery.com where you’ll find numerous tools and resources to help you unlock your mind for permanent weight release, tips, strategies, and more, and be sure to check the show notes to learn more about my book From Fat to Thin Thinking: Unlock Your Mind For Permanent Weight Loss, and to learn how to subscribe to the podcast so that you never miss an episode.